Today we celebrate Baby Brother’s First Birthday!!! To say this year went by quickly is an understatement. I swear I blinked and he’s an entire toddler.

While yes his bday is very much about him, it’s also about me, and how I changed over the course of this year. I was very much prepared to write a you light up my life Sonshine post but, thats not reality. While we love our kids, parenting is hard, parenting two is hard, and parenting in a pandemic… well thats just on another level! However, I will include cute AF pics of this little guy bc how can I not LOL.

I thought I had grown with the birth of Charli… and I did. But who knew more growth was needed (I thought I was perfect! no? Lol). Little man’s birth rocked my world. I didn’t realize the toll carrying a son during a pandemic, with an uproar of racial tension, would take on me. I was scared almost constantly while carrying him, completely unsure of his future. Well unsurprisingly to most I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety. As my old therapist said, you’re an African American Nurse carrying a son in America during a pandemic… of course you’re anxious. To add to the stress I had a quick labor, an epidural that stopped working (my thought is the anesthesiologist accidentally turned it off), a shoulder dystocia, a hemorrhage, and was readmitted into the hospital with pre-eclampsia. I’ll spare you the nitty gritty details but needless to say if I had a birth plan, it would’ve been thrown out the window. Thank goodness for an awesome midwifery team.

But yeah… postpartum anxiety for sure. Thanks Michele for making me see the light! I restarted therapy, I began meds, and I am 1000 percent better for it. All the stigma in the Black community told me I had this, I am Woman hear me roar, needing help equates weakness, and I could work through it alone … but it was bigger than me. I couldn’t change my environment. I couldn’t change the pandemic or the racial tension. I had to change myself, reframe my engrained views, and how I took in information from the internet. Meds helped me to do that. They helped me see clearly what was realistic and what was not. They bridged the gap to healthy coping mechanisms while I adjusted to this new role. Two kids is no joke.

I say this to say everyone’s journey is so unique. There’s no right or wrong way to give birth, there’s your way. Birth trauma is real and we need time during the postpartum period aka 4th trimester to heal from both the physical and mental trauma. Let us not forget our spouses, because they experience birth as well, just in a different way. In my particular story, there were pitfalls along the way and quite honestly this might be the first time I’ve chronicled it. But if it helps one person that’s why I’m here. Baby brothers birthday is just as much about him as it is about me. With each kid there’s been a rebirth. A rekindling of my love for self.

So, Happy Birthday Baby Brother! Thank you for your joy! Thank you for choosing me 🤎✨

Now onto the gushing and the cute AF pics!!! Because, maannnnn I am obsessed with this smiley, dancing, no F’s given little guy!